disappointment

no matter how hard i try, i can never pass humans. let alone get a b3. how am i going to get a b3 for Os if this continues? i admit i wasn't as motivated fr prelim 2 as compared to prelim 1, but even for prelim 1 which i put in my very best, i still got a D7 for humans. why is it that no matter how hard i try, i can never pass? since sec 3 MYE i've been failing humans continuously. yes. you didn't see wrongly. the only time i passed was sec 3 CT1, which i think i scored an A1. then it just plummeted all the way and i've been maintaining my humans grade. it's always between D7 and F9. never once did it became C6.

to make matters worse, teachers were changed for geog and i got ms nur. and everybody knows she can't teach. so i joined geog tuition in hopes of raising my grades. YES i joined geog tuition. I REQUESTED FOR GEOG TUITION. so i went. i put in my best. i was expecting at least a C6 for prelim 1. IN THE END? C6 for SS. F9 for geog. what is this. I SWEAR I PUT IN MY BEST. THE BEST I EVER PUT IN. STILL FAIL. how am i gonna get a B3? without a B3 for humans, me getting A1s for emath, amath & chem is just wasted. let's say i have a B3 for english. 3 + 3 = 6. NP accountancy's COP is 11. i need to get less than 11 to be safe. i have one bonus point. so the worst grade i can get for humans is B3 to be extra safe.

just to let you know, accountancy isn't something i put my mind on since sec 3 or sec 4. it's something i've decided SINCE YOUNG. yes even before i completed PSLE. the only difference was that at that age, i didn't know what was accountancy. i just wanted to work in an office, unlike typical childhood dream careers like doctors & teachers. only when accountancy came into my vocab in p6 then i knew it was the thing for me. it's not something i can forgo readily. also, i need to get into NP. it's a need. not a want. i can't accept anything other than np. i definitely can't accept TP & NYP so easily. if i get into TP or NYP, maybe it'll take a few weeks for me to accept it. as for SP, it's somewhere in the middle. and NP's accountancy is really popular, in a sense. an eleven pointer is definitely a risk too big to take. 10 might be too. so i've to aim for a 9.

i broke down today. in class. the last time i cried in crowded areas was in pri school. i actually cried because once again, i failed humans. and humans is my relevant subject. getting D7-F9 continuously is putting too much pressure on me. i actually cried all the way from 1pm to now, 6:21pm. i'm still crying tbh. i don't wanna opt for any other choice. i want accountancy. i NEED accountancy. it's like accountancy is a big part of me. i don't have a problem with ss, because that is just pure memory work. just vomit out everything you know, and you can secure 18-22 marks just with 2 SEQs. my real worry is geog. i can never comprehend the questions. it's not like you can vomit out everything you know and get reasonable marks. you have to answer the question. i'm really scared this will pull down my Os grade fr humans. really. if i don't see 'N51' under the lists of poly courses next year, i can't imagine what will happen. really. i don't wanna think about it.

to emphasize again, accountancy is really not something i can just go "oh it's okay if i cannot then cannot lo. still can take other courses" if i don't make it. it's my passion. my dream. my childhood dream. my teenage dream. sometimes i wonder why am i unable to pass when others are able to. i studied equally hard. why? this pressure is building up. and i crumbled. 17 September 2013. i broke down. the constant thought of accountancy being taken away from me keeps appearing. i can't do anything but cry. i'm so useless sometimes.

i hate myself for getting lured into bowen because of their late school day. i'd rather go to a school with 7:15am reporting time everyday if they offer POA. why was i so adamant on going bowen just because of their 9:10am school day on wednesdays? if not, i probably would be in holy innocents or something taking POA and i don't even need to worry about humans because i can use POA instead. really wish somebody will beat me hard for being so stupid.

and i need to stop crying. 5 hours spent crying. why am i so useless..